This Is How To Cope When You’re Not Getting Any Sex (At All)

Sex is a lot like a bus; you wait around for ages for one and then two come at once. No, no it isn’t… sex is a lot like a packet of Rolos; you really like them and it’s totally achievable to have some but you never really do for some reason… closer. Sex is a lot like confidence; only two types of people get it and they’re either well-rounded, respectable people who’ve earned it, or undeniably bad humans and total arseholes who inexplicably have more than you’ve had hot dinners.

Yeah, that’s the one.

Everyone who’s tried it enjoys sex and always wants more of it. Even if you’re not completely obsessed with it like your 13-year-old self, it’s still a nice thing to have regularly and the distinct lack of it in your life can set you on the path of self-loathing and mild depression that you can never open up about because “I never get laid” doesn’t really fly.

Personally, I’m more reeling from the constant absence of meaningful, non-platonic relationships in my life rather than the physical side but luckily for me, they both go hand-in-hand quite nicely. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m having regular casual sex on the side to keep me ticking over. How very lucky for me, indeed.

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So how does one cope with not having any/having very little sex? First and foremost you need to establish quite how long it’s been. For me, not too long but longer than I’d like. In that time I’ve been on one date which I thought went very well (actually being serious) but… who knows what happened there (I legit actually don’t). Things aren’t looking up. Time to break out the coping mechanisms!

1. Become a writer for an online magazine and write ironic articles about not having sex

I’m not sure where I got this idea from but it seems like the kind of thing that could work. To achieve this, you’ll either have to get a degree, or join the company as an apprentice. Work your way up in, say, two and a half years and then get to write about whatever you want (within reason).

This will give you the chance to vent whilst throwing a weakly woven veil of comedic sarcasm over your musings, so readers will never 100% know whether or not you’re being serious. It’s well-known that opening up about your issues to someone is therapeutic, so why not times that by 6,300,000 and make it exponentially more effective! Where better to have a public breakdown than on a website that has that kind of following?

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Furthermore, it’s surprisingly cathartic to type all of this as hard as you can, imagining that every letter on your keyboard is the face of the person who took your heart and destroyed it by leaving you on read and posting Instagram stories of them with sexy guys in the process…

2. Drink a lot of alcohol

I’m sorry if your faith or life-choices rule this one out, but this works for me very well. Now obviously when I say “very well”, I of course mean that it doesn’t help at all, but at least I’m now drunk and falling asleep is slightly easier. Also there’s side-effects.

One genuine piece of advice is that if you are angling for sex, don’t go looking for it. Only two things happen when you go looking for sex (unless you’re one of the types of people eluded to in the opening paragraph); you either find it but it’s soul-crushing and bad, or you end up looking like a creep, your texts get screenshotted and before you know it, you’re a feminist meme on Twitter.

When you drink yourself into oblivion, you’ll find that your cognitive abilities are somewhat hindered. This comes in very handy when you’re considering texting the person that put you in this mess (or the people you think can take you out of it via ill-advised one night stands).

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The danger here is getting very drunk, so as to think it’s a good idea to start texting, but not drunk enough to not be able to. My advice here comes in the form of a handy rhyme – “Think you’ve had enough? You haven’t.” I’m working on the rhyming part…

3. Never accept that you’re the problem

I’m not an idiot. I know the position I’ve found myself in is totally by my own hand, not… hers. I’ve not quite worked out how at this point, but I suspect it’s the combination of being too keen and something else I need to figure out.

The same thing applies for when you keep coming within a hair’s breadth of having sex and then it falls through. You keep putting it down to the people who blew you off and you never put two and two together, with the only recurring factor being the part that you play in all of your exchanges.

People will tell you that you have to take a look in the mirror and work on the part of you that’s driving partners away – only then can you be truly happy. But on the other hand, accepting that you’re the issue and trying to change your character is hard work, upsetting, and it’s far more satisfying to blame the people who flake on you.

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Hey, Alfie. What happened with that girl you went on a date with? You liked her a lot, didn’t you?”

Oh her? Yeah, I think I drove her away because I maybe smothered her a bit… you know, too keen and all that. But hey, I think I’m really going to make a change for the better now. So maybe it’s not all bad news!”

Or

Ah man, don’t start. Fucking nightmare, really. I thought it went well but who knows? I just can’t be arsed to play the games that girls play, you know. Doubt I’ll hear from her again… probably a good thing!” *sips pint to hide trembling lip*

Which would you rather say? Sure, one might offer permanent absolution sometime down the line, but I’m talking temporary fixes here, playa. Say the latter one and your mates can go “cor yeah, tell me about it” and you can sound like you’re above dating and sex, if not only until you go home and cry-wank yourself to sleep!

That’s a joke, obviously. God knows that I loathe myself far too much to even think about that. Which neatly brings me to…

4. Don’t masturbate

Just don’t do it.

I don’t want to get too personal here (as if I haven’t already) but if you’re anything like me, you’ve never felt enriched post-wank. In fact, that’s why the small bout of self-loathing and the inescapable feeling that you’re repulsive and not going anywhere in life is called the ‘post-wank blues’.

This is totally unavoidable and even happens when you are going through a period of regular-ish sex – imagine how bad it would feel if you can’t get laid for love, nor money (not promoting prostitution here)… you don’t have to. If you’re reading this, you’re not getting laid but you probably are wanking.

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Feel like shit after? Then stop. Obviously.

So that’s how you should cope with going through a dry-patch. I know I haven’t given any actual advice there but I don’t know what you were expecting… I definitely wasn’t going to write a serious article. If you think I got personal here, imagine what I’m like after a few pints whilst a girl’s stopped texting back.

Bad.

Really though, the best way to deal with not having sex is preoccupy yourself with something else. People can tell that you’re desperate and it’s a big ol’ turn-off. Something will come, don’t you worry about that.

Anyway, follow me on Twitter – @AlfiePowell

Images via iStock

(via The Hook Mag)

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